Watching the Detectives

It's very rare that I'm in favour of our government spending money (our money, remember).

It's a feeling that precedes the 'current economic climate' (or whatever the latest euphemism is for the crap we find ourselves in.)

It's not that I don't believe in state administered roads, hospitals, social welfare etc: On the contrary, given human kinds inherent selfish, illogical nature, important services can't be left to chance or, goodness forbid, the market.

It's just that I don't trust the current administration to do it well.

I'd love to see a Scandanavian model of government in Ireland, but sadly decades (if not centuries) of 'sticking it to the man' has left Ireland a country where backhanders, brown envelopes and bent politicians are the norm and centralisation leads to expensive flops.

When you couple that with government ministers who are 'entitled' to be treated like Marie Antoinette, you get a bankrupt country with eff all to show for it.

If you think I'm overstating the fact, I'd ask you to consider just three of many decisions: the e-voting fiasco, the decentralisation debacle and the PPARS disaster.

In three short moves that's well over a billion euro wasted, on badly thought out, ill costed decisions. Lets be honest, it's merely the tip of the iceberg as well.

That the Irish people have little faith in the institutions that have run this state since independence, whether they be politicians or the church, it's hardly surprising.

So the news that we need to invest in yet another costly computer system couldn't come at a worse time.

The head of the Garda inspectorate Kathleen O'Sullivan said that her team were "really stunned" when they discovered the antiquated systems in place in Ireland. At present Garda management don't know:

• How many calls are being received
• The nature of the calls
• The geographic spread of calls

So while it's as clear as a truncheon to the head that the Gardaí badly need a new computerised dispatch system, I worry about how it will be implemented in this grand little country of ours.

After all, the last system for An Garda Siochana (Pulse) didn't exactly work out fantastically. The white elephant cost over €61 million, is available in less than half of Garda stations around the country and if you believe what many Gardaí say about it, it doesn't really work.

I hope to goodness that this system is implemented soon as it's clearly desperately needed and that it's done at reasonable expense to the taxpayer because we simply can't afford yet another white elephant.

But I won't hold my breath. How did George W Bush put it again? Something about fool me once...

Whitewash

So there we have it: We're going to have an enquiry into the banking crisis, but most of it will be held in private.

Over the next few weeks the Opposition parties will be accused by FF and the Green's of making political capital out a serious national issue, in an effort to deflect criticism of their flaccid investigation, but Labour and FG are right to point out that this is a whitewash.

As John Gormley explained to Pat Kenny on the Today programme this morning, it will take four months to come up with the terms of reference of the enquiry. Four freaking months!

According to Brian Lenihan they can't have a public enquiry because it would be too expensive:

"I've seen a big demand for a public inquiry, but let's be frank about it; if you want me to sign a cheque for €150 million now for the next 10 years and set up a tribunal of inquiry, that's what's going to happen if we go for a public inquiry"

Playing the 'Tribunal' card with the Irish people is a handy one for government politicians; we're all sick of Tribunals and the amount they've cost and how long they've lasted; but what they fail to point out is that it was Fianna Faíl who set up the various tribunals that we're now lumped with.

There are precedents for having cost-effective, efficient, fast investigations in public, but the government are having none of it, ostensibly because it doesn't suit them.

The reason we can't have a Daíl enquiry, in public as they did with the brilliant and cost effective DIRT enquiry, is that an Oireachtas sub-committee "did not have the right to make judgments about disputed issues of fact."

Well call me an old fashioned stick in the mud, but surely that's what legislation is for? If there's a problem with the current legality of an Oireachtas committee, then why not pass legislation to give an Oireachtas committee a legal grounding?

Then again, passing legislation is not what this government is good at: After all they only sat for 90-odd days last year. Where would they get the time between Easter, Christmas, half-term or New Year breaks to Malta!?

(Now that I mention it, can anyone think of an important piece of legislation passed since the last general election? The Blasphemy Bill doesn't count. Answers on a postcard/comment please.)

What will now happen in that all of the witnesses, whether they be the former Minister of Finance Brian Cowen, former Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, the former Chief Executive of the Financial Regulator Patrick Neary or the Bank Executive's who spent so much time in the Fianna Faíl tent, will give evidence in secret, behind closed doors.

By the time the private reports end and are published in 2011 it will have been three years since our banking enquiry spiralled into meltdown. As of yet, who has paid for it? Apart from the Irish people, that is.

In the US those involved in massive financial irregularity and fraud are in jail. In Ireland corrupt politicians, crooked bankers and any other white collar criminal will never do a perp walk.

The politicians, bankers, civil servants and other who caused this crisis are untouchable in modern Ireland.

Today John Gormley drew comparisons with the Murphy enquiry when questioned about why the enquiry was being held in private. It's unbelievable the level to which the Green Party have sunk since they got into bed with Fianna Faíl.

The reason the Murphy report was held in private was to give anonymity to victims of clerical child sex abuse. What justification can there be for holding the majority of this report in secret? To spare the Taoiseach's blushes? Spare me.

Anywhere else in the world white collar crime is taken seriously. In Ireland, we put people in jail who don't pay their TV licence.

If you want to know what's gone wrong over the last decade read Shane Ross's excellent book The Bankers. You won't find it out from the government's private enquiry, whenever that finally reports. Fianna Faíl and the Greens make the FAI look like professionals.

'Irish' Soccer: The Foreign Game

It's hard to fathom now that soccer was once Ireland's most high profile and popular sport.

Through the near constant recession of the late 1980's and early 1990's though, soccer was one of the few things that Ireland had to keep it's spirits up, as a medley of first and second generation Irish passport holders from England led us to historic victories against amongst others, England.

Arguably (at least tenuously) it's the Charlton years that kick-started Irish self-confidence and the Irish economy.

Whether that's true or not, the success on the pitch saw big Jack elevated to near saint status in most Irish homes, alongside the other adopted sons, John F. Kennedy and Pope John Paul II (back when the Roman Catholic Church was still popular.)

Even today Jack could murder a bag of kittens live on The Late Late Show and he'd still be Ireland's favourite man.

But the "grandmother rule" seems to have been the last thing that the FAI got right.

Since the highs of Euro '88 and Italia '90 (and even parts of USA '94) we've seen boo-boo after boo-boo turn Irish soccer into a laughing stock.

At Italia '90 and USA '94 the association lost a bundle of cash when they were left high and dry from dealing with ticket touts to try and get more match tickets for their games.

Then there was the aborted Eircom Park plan which turned into a shambles and was abandoned two years later.

And of course in 2002 there was Saipan.

Forgotten amid the schoolgirl-like bitchiness and whining from both sides, was the fact that the FAI had organised Ireland's pre-tournament preparation for a World Cup on an an Island only 5 miles wide, which had no soccer pitch and whose chief attractions were golf courses, bars and brothels.

The team had no proper kit and no footballs for most of their 'preparation' period as the FAI hadn't made sure that it was shipped in time. Hmmm...

That the team got to the second round is nothing short of a miracle.

What followed McCarthy's departure was the hiring and firing of a perfectly good manager, Brian Kerr, who couldn't make a silk purse out of a sows ear and the hiring of a completely unqualified Steve Staunton.

While Staunton has taken a lot of flak, you'd have to question the wisdom of those who appointed a rookie manager to a national side. Just because a learner driver thinks it's a good idea to drive off a cliff doesn't mean you should pay him to.

In 2007, the FAI sold it's headquarters in Merrion Square, one of the most prestigious Georgian addresses in the capital, to move to... A portacabin in West Dublin. I kid you not.

If it were the IRFU you'd presume that they had predicted the peak of the property market and were poised to buy it back now for a song, but with the FAI you get the sneaking suspicion that they've invested it all on a three-legged 'sure thing' in the 2.30 at Leopardstown.

Great odds though.

In 2008 there was the failed bid to run the European Championships with Scotland and in early 2009 we heard that they couldn't sell all the premium tickets at the new stadium in Lansdowne Road.

Unsurprisingly, the IRFU had no such problems.

In stark contrast to the measured and dignified response of the players who were robbed by the hand of frog in Paris last November, the FAI's response was as naive as it was embarrassing.

The toe-curling letter to Sepp Blatter, a fine-figure head for an organisation with as little credibility as FIFA, was a cause of national embarrassment. It was like sending Mr. Bean to deal with a Bond villain.

So given their recent history, it's no surprise then that the FAI are happily screwing Irish fans yet again, choosing to play their friendly against Brazil in London rather than Dublin.

Screw the Irish fans who will have to travel abroad for a 'home' match; screw the Irish economy which funds the FAI to the tune of €3.5 million a year and could do with a boost; screw anyone who's not on the board of the FAI.

Is anyone else interested in lobbying the GAA to reintroduce the ban on their members playing soccer?

RIP Irish Soccer. You haven't been the same since Big Jack left...

Here's To You

Well, I don't think any of us were expecting that. Who knew that there was sex in Northern Ireland? And extramarital sex nonetheless!

I think anyone who watched the Spotlight Special on BBC1 Northern Ireland last night has to agree that there are lots of questions to be answered:

Firstly, how did Peter Robinson go into the Northern Ireland Assembly and make merry on the same day that his wife apparently attempted suicide?

And more to the point, how can we take his emotional press conference on Wednesday seriously when you're making jokes on the same day your wife attempts suicide?

Either he's a heartless cad, a great actor or he's a liar. (Oh wait, I forgot that he's a politician: He's all three.)

How much did Peter Robinson know about his wife's dodgy dealings (borrowing a total of £50,000 from two property developers) and when?

Why is there still dual mandates (or even three mandates) for Northern Ireland politicians when you can't be both a councillor and TD/MP in either of the two countries?

Exactly what 'debt' was Iris Robinson referring that she had clocked up when she demanded the money back from her former lover? She has a wage as an MP, an MLA and a councillor as well as lashing of expenses.

(Not to mention the fact that the couple own properties in Northern Ireland, London and Florida if BBC and press reports are accurate.)

Does Iris Robinson have something more to hide? Very outspoken against the gay community, and having heterosexual relations with not one, but two men. Hmmm... Doth she protest too much?

Finally, when did Northern Ireland become a completely normal political landscape where there are (almost) no more bombings or shootings and where the big news is a sex and cash political scandal? The mind boggles...

The Big Freeze

Ireland is in a State of Emergency and our 'leaders' are nowhere to be found. Why am I not surprised?

We've had 20 days of freezing weather and has there been a statement from the Minister for the Environment or the Minister for Transport? Or any leadership of any kind from the Taoiseach or Tánaiste? No.

Minister Gormley is "very busy" and Minister Dempsey has been on holiday since the 29th of December.

Yes, that's right: While the country's roads have been impassable for weeks, during the worst weather in over 30 years, while Dublin Airport is intermittently shutting down, the Minister for Transport is on holiday.

Dempsey seems to think that the two weeks off at Christmas that the mere mortals get just isn't good enough for the likes of him.

Yet despite being on holiday since the 29th, the Minister managed to release a badly worded press release in which he refers to himself in the third person repeatedly, on the 30th of December.

What a man! What a leader! What an intellect!

Where is the Taoiseach? Apparently he's also "very busy" but he can't be bothered to talk to the country about the emergency situation. Or the Tánaiste? Probably off swearing at someone, somewhere.

No sign of any leadership there either. 'The Big Freeze' isn't the only problem though.

The Slovak government, who bizarrely look like gombeens in comparison to our own ridiculously overpaid amateurs, sent 100g of RDX (Research Department Explosives) in an unsuspecting Slovak man's baggage who was travelling on a plane to Ireland.

They let him on the plane with the explosives and apparently faxed Servis-Air, the baggage handling company to let them know. Fair enough so, that seems like a perfectly reasonable response.

Where is the Minister for Foreign Affairs in all this? According to security experts yesterday, if you put this much RDX under a van and detonated it, you'd need forensics to figure out what sort of vehicle it was.

Imagine what it could have done to a plane, or at any later stage in the man's journey. After all, this explosive is only stable at room temperature and is extremely volatile at low temperature's.

Which if the Irish or Slovak Governments were paying any attention (unlikely) we have in Ireland right now. Imagine if he slipped on the ice walking home? Or dropped his bag a little too heavy while taking his keys out?

In any other country in the world, the Slovak ambassador would be in before the Minister for Foreign Affairs within hours of this happening and would most probably be expelled given what has just happened.

The British or Americans would probably have invaded the Slovak Republic by now, but that's besides the point.

Again, where is the Minister for Foreign Affairs? Where is the Taoiseach? Where are any of our Ministers?

Despite the fact that the Daíl only sits for 90-odd days a year (96 in 2008) we are constantly told that the government is beavering away even when they're on holidays. Our Ministers never rest and are always working for the Irish people.

We've always known that to be a joke, now it's clearly a farce.

The only Minister who seems to be working in the national interest is the same Minister who is battling cancer.

He's the only one in his party (or the Green Party) who has both a brain and a spine, and we all wish him well and hope that he recovers fully.

If he didn't have such a long family history in the Fianna Fáil party, he would be advised to jump ship, soon. He doesn't deserve to be associated with that lot.

Pride comes before a fall

So as it turns out, at roughly the same time that Iris Robinson, wife of Northern Ireland's First Minister Peter Robinson, was telling victims of homophobic attacks that they were "an abomination" and comparing homosexuality to murder and child sexual abuse, she was having an affair.

Unsurprisingly, given Iris's particular penchant for the fire and brimstone of the Old Testament (rather than the forgiving, progressive teachings of the gospels in the New Testament) her views aren't that far from the mullah's of Saudi Arabia or Iran.

Not unlike theocracy's in parts of the the Middle-East and Asia, Iris also believes that the law of the land should reflect the law of God (different God's, obviously) on all sorts of private issues including abortion, homosexuality and others.

Should we therefore expect to see Iris stoned to death for adultery? A bit of consistency would be nice...