'A little lively'

The big day has arrived for the Fine Gael parliamentary party and by the end of the day we'll know... well, at least a little more.

Will Fine Gael split in 'Official' and 'Provisional' sections? Will Kenny take Bruton's head and by extension his power, making him an unstoppable force in Irish politics? Will Bruton triumph and be hailed by the good people of Ireland as our next Taoiseach? Will his children form a family band and tour the nation? But I digress.

While they're on tenterhooks, I thought that the rest of us could use some light relief while the main party of opposition implodes. After all, when you've been ruled by the most venal, corrupt and shambolic party in Irish politics for 20 of the last 23 years and they've sabotagued our societey and our economy, what you really want, nay need, is the main opposition party destroying itself from within.

And so I come to the 'light relief'. A colleague was contacting a member of the FG front bench via email for an article early last week and things were progressing nicely until communication dried up unexpectedly. He sent another mail and got no reply until he received this on Monday;

Dear -----,

------ has asked me to contact you, -- received your questions and will endeavour to draft a reply this week but as you can appreciate things are a little lively in Fine Gael at the moment.

Kind Regards,

-----

A little lively? I'm glad the good people in Fine Gael are keeping their perspective through this troubled time! Let's hope it all remains as light hearted whatever happens today.

There can be only one

Say what you like about Fine Gael, but they're nothing if not entertaining. Miriam O'Callaghan just described the events of the last few days as "mind-boggling shenanigans" and you'd be hard pressed to disagree with her.

Where do Fine Gael go from here? It's clear that Enda and Richard are no longer a viable double act. If Enda Kenny pulls off what now seems like a shock win on Thursday, the party will be irreparably damaged. If Bruton wins out, the party will be irreparably damaged. It's lose-lose for Fine Gael right now and they have only themselves to blame.

Having watched Richard Bruton's shaky performance on both The Front Line and Tonight with Vincent Browne, I'm not convinced he could do any better than Kenny. He stuttered, he stammered and he looked incredibly uneasy. The coup, while seemingly long thought about, was pushed through at the right wrong time and with a seemingly unwilling mob leader.

Fine Gael's history is one of coups against leaders and panicking when times get tough. It's why Fianna Fáil has had such an easy ride for far too long. FG's self-destruction and inability to organise themselves (until Kenny came along in 2002) is a major factor for our near one-party state.

On a side note, you don't see Labour getting involved in unseemly leadership coups. As a friend who is an exasperated Fine Gael member said to me earlier today "you don't see those crazy commies stabbing each other in the back." A little over the top I thought, but the sentiment was accurate. Labour and Eamon Gilmore are looking more and more suitable to lead the country in the net coalition.

So what now for Fine Gael? Perhaps they should battle it out to the death with samurai swords, beheading each other until there is only one left. I'm not sure where I got the idea from, but I think it's the best thing for the party right now. They're clearly not fit for much else.

No more Mr Nice Guy

What a few days it's been for FG and Irish politics. Enda Kenny lays down a motion of no confidence in the Taoiseach, the man who was Minister for Finance while our economy went into a tailspin we won't emerge from for many years. Then the Irish Times publishes a poll and Richard Bruton pulls out the knife for Enda Kenny!

Bruton's timing shows real political naivete. When the focus should be on the incredibly damaging reports into the Irish economy which proved that both Cowen and Ahern were spoofing when they blamed our economic woes on the international markets, instead the focus is on Fine Gael's dirty laundry.

It should be noted that FG has been doing better in the polls for the last two years than they ever have, that they're the biggest party in the country and that they faced near destruction until Enda Kenny took over the party eight years ago.

It should also be noted the Irish Times polls often seem to over-hype Labour in their polls (probably because Labour, until recently the 'little spoon' in most prospective coalitions, has a smaller core vote to poll.)

Despite these reasons and despite the fact that John Bruton (a former FG Taoiseach and Richard's brother) never had a good poll before he came Taoiseach, Richard Bruton decides it's his time to shine.

I've been meeting a lot of politicians over the past few weeks for a series of features that I'm doing on young people in Irish politics. It's been... interesting. Despite the many cynical bones in my body, I've developed the slightest glimmer of hope for the future of Irish politics. Perhaps I'm just a soft touch.

Of the three main parties that I've looked at, the party that is overwhelmingly ahead of the others in terms of party organisation is FG. They have more young councilors and young TD's than any of the other parties and the over-riding message from these young politicians is "we have Enda to thank." Labour are making a late charge in this respect.

I had to laugh at a comment in The Sunday Independent this weekend over an alleged "dressing down" that Kenny gave Phil Hogan over his trip to Turkey with the Oireachtas golf team. (Another member of the team Fianna Fáil's Donie Cassidy, had helpfully adjourned the Seanad so that he could go on the junket.)

The FG member seemed not to understand why Hogan deserved a dressing down for heading off on a junket when unemployment is at 13.7% and people are facing the loss of their homes. It doesn't matter who pays for it, Irish politicians already get far too many holidays for their astronomical wages.

According to John Drennan's article the FG politician said "He's done nothing wrong, he didn't miss a day in the Dail, the Turks paid for the gig and Enda is still wagging the big old finger at him."

It seems some people in FG still don't get it: Irish politics needs new, higher standards than what has passed for propriety for the past two decades.

Whatever you think of Kenny, he's already taken a lame duck party by the scruff of it's neck and dragged it kicking and screaming into the 21st century. From what we've seen this evening, he rules with an iron fist and doesn't take any crap. It seems to me like he's the perfect man to run the country.

Kenny's move to sack Bruton this evening shows that he is far more politically savvy than Bruton. Kenny has all of the Machiavellian qualities to lead a political party in Ireland and the ruthlessness to lead the country. It's the sort of move that must have a lot of people in FF wishing he was their leader, not the pint-scoffing wet blanket they currently have.

Kenny has the upper hand now. Now it depends on whether or not any of Bruton's supporters have the stugots to oppose Kenny openly at their front bench meeting tomorrow. If I were Richard Bruton, I wouldn't hold my breath.

Ironically, this could be the turning point with the public that Enda Kenny needs; if history has taught us anything it's that the Irish love a strong leader. They'd probably dig up Charlie Haughey if they thought it would work right now.

Finally, I think it's quite telling that the man who Kenny apparently gave a public dressing down last week is one of the leaders most ardent supporters. According to this Irish Times article:

Mr Hogan, who described himself as “fully supportive of the leadership of Enda Kenny”, called on party members to “pull back and get behind the leadership.” A challenge at this point would be a “futile and naive exercise”, he said.

Whatever happens over the next few days, Fine Gael will be damaged by this. This move may ultimately lead to FG occupying the 'little spoon' position in the next coalition under a Labour Taoiseach. Given that Ireland one of the few countries in Europe with a centre right party leading both the government and the opposition, that is certainly no bad thing.

Update: Having just watched Richard Bruton's performance on both The Frontline and Tonight with Vincent Browne I can't see how he could possibly excite the population more than Enda Kenny. Fine Gael truly are the party of self-destruction.

The lending merry go round

There's not a lot more that I can add to this video which went up on Gideon Rachman's blog on the FT.com yesterday. It's well worth a look. You'll laugh but then unfortunately you'll cry. (Thanks to Will for passing it on.)

Northern Ireland must be so proud...

Let's be honest, the good people of Northern Ireland have never had it so good. No more 'Troubles' after all. But the last year or so has been a different kind of bad. Or maybe it should just be described as 'weird.' I'll let you make your own mind up.

First their Environment Minister, the bawld Sammy Wilson, told the world that he believes that global warming is a scam.

The papists, or the fenians, or the really dastardly papist-fenians are probably behind it. Bear in mind Sammy is the Environment Minister. But he's definitely the best person for the job, no doubt about that.

Then the chair of the Northern Ireland Assembly's Health Committee equated homosexuality with murder and child sex abuse. How delightfully un-Christian (no matter what she says.)

Things took an expected twist when they found out that she was a hypocrite as well as a bigot. And soon after that they found out that she and her husband (the First Minister) had been involved in a questionable land deal. A half a million pound profit on a £5 punt... Wait, that doesn't happen to everyone?

It's not just the Unionists though; it turns out that a prominent SF member is accused of child sex abuse and that his brother, the party leader Gerry Adams, covered up for him.

The most recent revelation is that the Culture Minister for the province, Nelson McCausland wants the museums in NI to give equal provinence to creationism as well as the kooky idea of evolution.

Somewhere in North Belfast, a Loyal Orange Lodge is missing it's idiot. (Well, one of them.)

Still, at least the good people of Northern Ireland can commiserate themselves that they still have better roads than us...

Planes, trains & automobiles

IT BEGAN, as epic journeys often do, with a voicemail. "Harry, call me back immediately, this is really, really urgent." By the time I got around to listening to the message from Graham an hour later, there were three more accompanying it.

The first was his brother, Will; “Harry, call Graham as soon as you get this. It’s important.” The next was a stressed sounding Graham; “Harry, this is Graham. Where are you!? This is life and death here.”

But it wasn’t until I listened to the final message that the colour drained from my face. “Harry, this is Graham. The panic is over. We’ve booked the flights for the Heineken Cup Final.”

The last time I travelled to a rugby match with Graham and Will it had turned into a planes, trains and automobiles odyssey around England, to get to the Quarter Final of the Rugby World Cup in Cardiff. We had stayed in two different cities (neither of them Cardiff) taken four different trains and stayed in not one, but two Travelodge’s in Birmingham.

Not that I could cast aspersions on their abilities as tour operators; I once took over thirty hours to get to Bucharest from Dublin, via five airports. But while they are both extremely capable at their day jobs, they are to the travel industry what Tommy Bowe is to singing; enthusiastic amateurs.

My fears were realised when I was emailed the itinerary. We would drive from Dublin to Belfast City Airport (remember that.) From there we would fly to Glasgow Prestwick airport and get the train into Glasgow proper. After changing train stations, we would get the train to Edinburgh, check into our hotel and prepare for the final the next day.

The day after the final we would get the train from Edinburgh to Newcastle, from where we would fly to Belfast International Airport.

Those of you who have been paying attention may realise the subtle difference between our flight out and our flight home extended not just to the airport we were flying from, but also the airport we were flying to. We would then take a cab to Belfast City Airport, pick up the car and drive home.

The good news? The whole trip would cost us a little over €120, substantially less than the many hundreds of euro the airlines were charging to fly from Dublin to anywhere remotely near Edinburgh (or even London) that weekend. What could possibly go wrong?

Traffic on the way to Belfast was busy due to heavy rain but we made it to George Best City Airport in plenty of time. We weren’t the only Irish fans making the Belfast-Prestwick route, but from what we could ascertain no-one else was cheap enough to take our crazy route home.

After landing at Prestwick airport we made our way to the train which was to take us to Glasgow, with plenty of time to make our connection to Edinburgh. After 10 minutes of our journey, however, we ground to a halt in the middle of nowhere.

Forty minutes later news filtered out that some unfortunate soul had thrown himself in front of the train before ours. The track would be closed for the rest of the day and the train was heading back to Ayr, the next stop in the opposite direction to Glasgow.

Once we got to Ayr there was a lot of confusion among railway staff as to how to get us to Glasgow. There was talk of coaches “possibly in the next few hours”, meaning we wouldn’t get into Edinburgh until very late. We made an impatient beeline to the taxi rank.

After finding four equally impatient Munster fans, we were on our way to Glasgow at the bargain cost of £10 a head. As we reached the first roundabout coming out of the town a thought crossed my mind…

“How much would it be to Edinburgh?” Our driver wasn’t too sure, so he radioed his base. As it turned out he was from Northern Ireland, it was his first day as a taxi-driver and we were his first fares.

We agreed on a fare of £20 a head to get to Edinburgh, a bargain as it would much faster than travelling via Glasgow and we’d save on train fare. Things were beginning to look up.

As it turns out, despite having lived in Scotland for almost six years, our driver had never been to Edinburgh. We thought this a bit strange, but he was a nice sort and excited to see the capital of Scotland for the first time. Will, one half of the team who had organised our trip, was in the front passenger seat and offered to navigate.

Needless to say, we managed to miss the motorway that runs from Glasgow to Edinburgh entirely and took a more scenic route through the Scottish countryside. What should have been a one hour drive became a four hour trip, via two hostelries for ‘toilet breaks.’

We tipped our taxi driver heavily when we eventually reached Edinburgh, wondering whether he would ever get home to Ayr by himself. It was a legitimate concern.

The next two days made our marathon journey worth it. Our beloved Leinster finally became Champions of Europe and many adventures were had which, due to a solemn oath, can never be repeated. After all, what goes on tour stays on tour.

Needless to say once we finally made it back to Dublin via our fourth airport, we vowed as a group that we would never, ever do it again. At least until next year…

Harry, Graham and Will are travelling to the Heineken Cup Final in Paris this year via Belgium (aka the German route.) They haven’t yet decided which French team to support.